Schmollywood Babylon

Dam 999 (Sohan Roy, 2011)

The Indians never really got it right when it comes to the disaster genre, expect the fun and crazy The Burning Train from 1980, which can be described as The Towering Inferno on wheels. That one flopped and maybe that’s the reason why no one ever again tried their hands on a proper, decent disaster film. But they’ve tried, and failed. The latest production to fail - at least when it comes to entertainment value - is Dam 999, a pretty pointless drama leading up to a underwhelming disaster. It’s an international co-production rooted deeply in the Indian melodrama. I like melodrama, but it needs to feel useful. You need to care about the characters, and the story - but in Dam 999 you just want every character to die a horrible death involving water and bad acting.

We follow a bunch of pretty pointless characters in their quest for love and justice around a dam. Some chick is in love with a dude and that dude is in love with her but another dude is in love with the chick and there’s a cute kid who likes his grandpa who like one of the dudes but also kinda like the other dude and there’s of course a bad dude who forced one of the dude’s dad to kill himself, leaving that dude alone with his wheelchair-bound sister. And then the dam breaks and a lot of dudes and dudettes drowns.

You know the story. We’ve seen it a million times before. Also cue a lot of Enya-style music that will evoke drama and emotions and but leaves us all more empty than before.

As you can can guess I didn’t like this one.

On the other hand, the disaster - which goes on for like two minutes in the end is quite decent and has a lengthy sequence before where one of the leading dudettes is trying to uncover the upcoming dam scandal. That part is quite okay and the disaster is also made with some cool and detailed miniatures. At least what I could see, the DVD ONLY have the 3D version and this 3D is pretty bad. No, it’s not even pretty bad, it’s very bad. But easier to watch with the glasses. And no, I don’t hate 3D. I love 3D. But this one was bad.

The movie ends quickly and with a film school quality quotation and everyone is happy it’s over. But hey, this is a disaster movie and I need to watch them all. I mean, if I have a goal in life it is to watch every disaster flick made outside the US.

Oh, Dam 999 is also a nice showcase for not-so-talented and way too young foreign backpackers playing news anchors. So good for them. Goody, goody.

If you want to see a more entertaining dam-movie, watch the Turkish “classic” The Water. The effects in that one consists of someone behind the camera pouring buckets of water on the actors.

Kongsploitation: Shikari (Mohammed Hussain, 1963)

One of my many goals in life is to collect every single King Kong-related ever made. It can be official Kong's or just good old rip-off's from all over the world. I haven't succeeded yet, but I'm getting damn close. Here we have Shikari, a 1963-hit that manages to combines King Kong, Mighty Joe Young, Dr Cyclops and the atmosphere of the old poverty row cinema but in colour and with lots of singing and dancing. Shikari means big game hunter, and this is also the central theme of the movie: to catch King Kong!

 

A greedy circus owner decides to go to some faraway country (Singapore is mentioned, but I'm not sure that's where they're going) to catch King Kong. They actually use that name, until they're there and the natives instead calls the big ape for Ottangu. They meet up with their guide, a famous hunter with - as usual - a beautiful daughter, who lives in the jungle. They find a totally destroyed village and our heroes wants to get the police and doctors there, but the greedy circus owner shoots the messenger and wants to catch Ottangu first! Some scenes in the print is missing, but a while later they're discovering that the famous Dr Cyclops has a secret lab in the jungle. It's he who created the big ape and now he's - in the name of peace - continuing the experiments. He can shrink people, transform to gorillas or just throw them down in his snake pit! What will happen to the good part of the circus crew? Will they survive... or will the wrath of Ottangu punish them?!?!?!?

 

Shikari, who clocks in at 130 minutes, could be a considered a bit talky for an un-experienced viewer of Bollywood cinema, but the fact is that it doesn't feel boring at all. There's a lot of musical numbers, but they are easy on the eyes and never too long. The biggest charm is the shameless atmosphere of matinee. It's just a very unpretentious movie. The bad guys are bad and the good guys are good. The monsters are monsters and it has jungle, hut-destruction, a very uncalled for ice-skating number and all the men are a bit to chubby to action heroes. Just the way I want my Bollywood-adventure.

 

It's hard not to dig the fine combination between not less than three of Ernest B. Schoedsack's classics. The mad doctor in Shikari even calls himself Dr Cyclops. Shikari more feels like a homage to Ernest B. Schoedsack and Merian C. Cooper than a simple rip-off or a "Bollywood remake". Like Spielberg and Lucas did with the Indiana Jones franchise, this movie is rooted in the nostalgia of older American adventure movies.

 

King Kong, or Ottangu himself is a fun creature. One of the more creepier giant apes out there. Mostly because the actor inside the suit choose use a very spastic, weird, almost zombie/monster-style of moving around. There's not smooth movements here, and it just looks wicked! Like Ottangu is a fucked-up robot-ape! The bad thing is that there's only one destruction scenes, when Ottangu attacks a village in the end. This is well-made and looks cool, but it would have been nice with more ape-action. As a bonus, under Dr Cyclops lair, we also meet a very odd monster. It's some kind of mutant, played by a man in suit, who's gigantic and chained to the wall. Pity we didn't see him fight with Ottangu!

 

Shikari is a fun adventure-romp that entertained me. Don't be fooled by the monsterless cover, this is way more cool than you might think. 

 

This review was published earlier on Ninja Dixon.

Commando: A One Man Army (Dilip Ghosh, 2013)

A good fight scene should be like gay sex: lots of skin, sweat and at least two mean beating each other in the face with something hard. I can say a lot about Command: A One Man Army, but it at least delivers those things. India has a long and fine tradition of martial arts, often wilder and more advanced than their American counterparts. They were first with Hong Kong style action outside Hong Kong, just like Turkey. I guess the HK movies reached their borders faster than to the US, and therefore inspiring a lot of new young talented directors. Here we have the latest action fest, this time starring former model Vidyut Jamwal – who’s also a very competent martial arts practitioner. You can say he’s the Indian Scott Adkins or Tony Jaa, just with a little bit less charisma.

Jamval plays Karanvir Dogra, a member of the Indian commando, a special group of soldiers trained for missions out of the ordinary. But this time he’s shit out of luck. After crashing with their helicopter in China he’s caught by the military and tortured for a year (just like in Die Another Day by the way)! When he flees he saves a woman, Simran (Pooja Chopra) from some thugs – who want to kidnap her to marry the evil, Evil, EVIL AK74 (a great Jaideep Ahlawat)! Why is he evil? Because he was born with completely white eyes! Karanvi and Simran continue their escape through the forests, chased by AK and his gang… and that’s it!

Yeah, I have to admit the story is very, very, very weak - weaker than the normal martial arts adventure. Sure, the point with action movies is the action – but you need to create characters you care for. That’s the biggest problem with Commando, you really don’t care so much at all. Jamval looks good and he fights very well, but lacks charm and his acting is stiff. Pooja Chopra is fun…but annoying, her character belongs in some other kind of movie. Jaideep is the best, being totally evil. Over the top, the way I want it.

But hey, don’t worry. It’s a fun movie. The action – while a bit repetitive – isn’t bad at all. The stunts are impressive and everything builds up to the best scene, where Jamval fights every bad guy in the baddie’s mansion lair. Here, finally, the action is top-notch, brutal. Some stuff reminds me of the two latest Universal Soldier sequels, especially when the Caucasian dude he’s fighting - the best and bloodiest fight in the movie, saving the best for last.

Still, this film lacks that special feeling. I would have seen more imaginative fights. Now Jamval does the same moves over and over again. He has something in him, something that can evolve to something truly big – but he’s not there yet. Why not set him against Scott Adkins next time? He needs to boost his potential.

Slightly disappointing… but still worth watching for us who like good old brutal fighting!

And yes, I’m not gonna forget.

Fuckability rating: Vidyut Jamwal
3/5 – I’m really not in to extreme muscles like this. It means he cares more about himself than me. But still, his face is kinda cute and sometimes he looks like a puppy dog who just wants to be hugged. So yeah, I could do him if I was slightly high.

Fuckability rating: Jaideep Ahlawat
4/5 – To be fair, he’s ugly in that sexy way. I think I’m drawn to dangerous guys and I’m sure he’s pretty nice in real life. So I’ll do him.

Of course he's holding a tree in this promo photo. Of course he does.

 

Khamosh (Vidhu Vinod Chopra, 1985)

In 1985, when the rest of the world produced slashers India kinda didn't. Actually, they started after Scream came, but it never really took off at that time either. So what did Bollywood offer when the US gave us such classics (true, I like them!) like The Hills Have Eyes Part II and The Mutilator? They gave us a good old murder mystery, Khamosh! It's interesting in several ways. Not just because it's a Bollywood whodunit (which reminds me I need to review a couple of others in that genre...), it's also set on a movie set! So partly it feels like we're witnessing a real Bollywood movie unfold in front of us, but behind the scenes, combined with a story that probably have some kind of record in red herrings. 

Oh, I'm rambling here.

A new Bollywood melodrama is in the making. But underneath the glam there's a lot of intrigue going on. The newbie actress wants to be famous, and her mother have decided now it's the time. She just have a small part and will commit suicide, but when they finally get around to shoot her scene... she's dead for real! Soon more bodies pile up and everyone - and I mean EVERYONE - is a suspect! 

Khamosh have so many red herrings the fishing industry probably went bankrupt in 1985. There's a great sequence when they shoot a rape scene and the camera just tracks over all the men in the cast, all of them looking very suspicious. All of them must be killers! There's enough strange glances to fill the whole India, enough ambiguous dialogue to make Agatha Christie jealous. And it feels a lot like a Christe-story. This is the dark side of the rich and famous, people so popular they should just be happy - but noooo, they just have to kill each other. 

I don't have enough knowledge to name all the actors, but there's some very fine performances on display. Amol Palekar, Ajit Vachani and the guy playing Ajit's heroine-addicted brother is fantastic! There's also a woman in her 50's who's extremely good - anyone know who she is? The story is very complex, close to downright confusing  - but the cool thing is that everyhing is connected quite well in the end. Another good thing with Khamosh is that it's only 100 minutes long and there's no singing and dancing. I don't mind the musical numbers, but in complex murder mystery it would just fuck up the pace of the movie. 

Khamosh is a fun, charming and extremely entertaining piece of murder mystery. It never strays away from that, so don't expect a slasher of some kind. This is a traditional, classic whodunit with a killer cast. Which reminds me... when I first heard of this film I almost thought it was a adaption of the George Kennedy name-dropping whodunit Murder on Location, a1983 novel set during the shooting of a glamourous Hollywood-movie. Lots of fun, by the way. Read it if you get a chance! 

That's it. This was fun. I need to go back watching more Indian cinema again, it's been way too long since last time!

After the recent setback for gay rights in India I've decided to have a fuckability rating on every male mai actor. Here's the first:

Fuckability rating: Naseeruddin Shah
5/5 - Strange, but I find him really hot here. Even with the huge moustache. I could do him a couple of times and then throw him away as the slut he probably is. No sorry, he's gorgeous. Not a slut.

Raat (Ram Gopal Varma, 1992)

I have tons of Bollywood productions to watch, but they're often very long and rarely having the coherent storyline I often demand, especially when I'm tired from work and want to focus on something. I've had Raat laying around for quite some time now. I actually don't remember when and how I bought it (scary!), but there it was and the reviews and comments on the dreaded IMDB wasn't that negative. So I gave it a spin.

To my surprise Raat belongs to those few Bollywood horror films that's just two hours long, doesn't one single musical number and completely lacks any kind of humour. That's a good thing, at least today when I wanted something completely non-silly. Raat reminds me of a lot of American horror films from the 70's and 80's, without ripping them off too much. The story isn't bad at all and the characters behave quite realistic. For example, the family everything evolves around feels modern and intelligent, something I feel is very rare in Indian cinema. The story is about a family who moves to a haunted house. Something is spreading evil around the neighborhood and soon that thing takes over the daughter, possesses her and makes her a very violent and dangerous person. Soon people starts to die... 

Raat is a mix between The Amityville Horror (it's been a lot about that house the last few days here, sorry!), Pet Sematary, The Exorcist... and actually a little bit Evil Dead-ish how the demon-thingie lurks around in the forest. I've heard some reviewers bringing up Poltergeist and Friday the 13th also, but I can't seriously find any reference to those two titles. The daughter Manisha is played by Revathy, who's a bit too old (like old "teen" actors in this film)  to be a revolting teenager, but makes a believable performance as a girl getting possessed by an aggressive spirit. Fine character actor Om Puri shows up as the exorcist/paranormal expert/holy man and is very, very good. He takes over the few scenes he's in.

What's extra fun is that Raat during some parts is quiet creepy. Director Ram Gopal Varma makes a good use of the horror scenes, working hard to make them a bit more scary than graphic - which is both good and bad of course. It's still violent, not much, but enough and it works in the story. The finale, which echoes both giallos, Amityville 3D and something else I've seen but can't put my finger on, is very impressive and eerie. 

Raat still feels very modern, very fresh. If it would have been made today everyone would have praised the retro-style, the low-key but still spectacular story. But this is a real, non-ironic, horror film and it works so good. 

Good one. Recommended. 

Bollywood goes Found Footage: Question Mark (Yash-Allison, 2012)

This is not, as I first believed, the first found footage film out of Bollywood, that title goes to Ragini MMS from 2011. So now that's said and done and I can continue to rant about this interesting horror piece. What's important to understand that this movie doesn't have a title. There's not title on the actual film, no credit except the name Yash Allison (which the first and last name of the two directors). To make it a little bit more marketable it just got the symbol "?", and "Question Mark" or the more advanced "?: A Question Mark". But officially it has no title and will never have. 

After seeing the film I felt pretty cold. The story is very basic. Seven students go out to some cabin (which in India often is a big white, quite nice house), owned by an uncle, to shoot a short movie - horror of course - as their last project before graduating (I guess!). Out there strange thing starts to happening and soon they're all in grave danger!

So, nothing more than that really. What first struck me afterwards is how similar this is to Evil Dead. Well, almost all movies of this kind is similar to Evil Dead - and a thousand other horror movies - but there's certain plot points that's very similar, and the concept - an unknown entity banging on the house from the outside, possessing the students, a tree with it's own life, one character is possessed and locked behind a door where she's begging to be let out again etc etc. It's a bloodless, dry version of Sam Raimi's old classic, but shot POV all the time. Pretty interesting actually.

The movie beings good, presenting a bunch of lovable characters, pretty fun people. You like them. During the middle part they're less good written, and becomes annoying - but the last half hour is pretty decent. But it took me a few hours of thinking to understand this. The horror effects is really no effects all, it's just the actors acting afraid or possessed. One long uninterrupted sequences shows one of the actresses getting gradually more possessed, twisting her body, screaming and acting totally fucked-up. It's a daring thing having such a long take without any "real" effects, neither physical or digital. Bravo.

Everytime I see these Indian horror films I notices how the big, white houses often takes a away the atmosphere. I'm used to old dark houses, the European and American way. It's something that actually can take me out of the story. It happens here during the middle part, but I'm a sucker for found footage and in the end I kinda liked it. It doesn't deliver anything new, but it's interesting with another point of view, using local legends, local traditions. I also love how the filmmakers suggest what can be one reason for the haunting, a suicide cliff nearby - including a man who earns a lot of money just taking up the bodies again. It's a very small part of the story, but it stayed with me.

How's the acting then? Very uneven I would say. The best ones is the actresses, who feels more relaxed in front of the camera. The guys... well, they're good when they're not overacting so much. Question Mark is far from a perfect found footage film, but it has something - it's hard for me to point out exactly what - that makes me think it's a little bit good. I wasn't bored anyway and the last ten-fifteen minutes gave me some goosebumps. 

That's not bad I guess. 

 

The Bollywood Evil Dead: Bach ke Zara (Salim Raza, 2008)

When Hollywood remakes something, to earn a quick buck, every fan boy boos. When India or any other more accepted country when it comes to cult movies remakes a beloved horror film, it's cult and cool and awesome and strange, but alright. And there's the same idea of making a quick buck in those countries, and by making an even less gorier and more mainstream version of the original, they still get the acceptance of the cult movie community. That's strange for me who have nothing against remakes, sequels, prequels, reboots etc, because a movie is just a movie. And the Bollywood version of The Evil Dead, Bach ze Zara, is an exact copy of Sam Raimi's only really good movie, and still a very typical, trashy Bollywood production. What's not to love?

Bollywood movies are often much longer. This one clocks in around two hours or something, which is good - there's only one musical number and the rest is basically Evil Dead, but with scenes doubles as long. They also show what happen to the scientist and his wife, I guess to make the movie longer. A nice touch I think. The rest is the same, but less gory and without the nastiness. It's not without blood and goo, and there's a graphic blood-spurting decapition to look forward to, but everything looks so clean, so bright, compared with the original movie. The actors might not have taken their acting lessons, but whenever they're transformed into demons they seem a lot more inspired. 

In a way Bach ze Zara reminds me more of one of those home-made, backyard productions, gathering friends and family, making them act and then have a local screening. It has some kind of inspired atmosphere, like "let's do this!" and they're doing it without much thought. It's always easier to act behind a lot of make up and I guess it was cooler to be a demon than part of a romantic couple. Like all good Bollywood movies this has a lot of stone-washed jeans and girls running around in something that looks like bikini's, but without getting too graphic. It also has several quite detailed sex-scenes, a surprise, but this is a film high up on the trash-o-meter. I guess they gets away with more when it's a small budget and with not so famous stars? 

It's not a boring movie, not even without subs. The funniest detail is the Necronomicon itself, who where looks like someone who's in peace with himself, listing to dolphin songs and mediates in front of a Buddha symbol. Or as Keith over at Teleport City commented on Facebook when he saw my screenshot: "Book of the Hey Man You Want to Go Grab a Bubble Tea or Something After Work?". He's a truthsayer, Keith. Go over to his site and enjoy a lot of brilliant texts.

Fun trash. I like that better than boring trash. Thanks India for giving us so much excellent exploitation! 

Dance and SCREAM! Sssshhh... (Pavan Kaul, 2003)

It's always fun to see how an (for us) exotic country takes a very typical generic western genre and makes it their own. For example, I collect disaster movies from other countries than the mother of them all, United States, and watching slashers from countries like Indonesia and Taiwan is always fun. I have a couple of Indian slashers but this is the first one I've seen that takes it main inspiration from Wes Craven's Scream - just a few years too late. It's not a rip-off, but there's no question which movie(s) they've seen a couple of times before writing the script for Sssshhh...

It's almost set in a pretend world that looks like Europe but inhabited by over-aged Indian students. When a masked killer starts murdering the friends and close one's to Mahek (Tanisha) the police stands like idiots trying to find clues, but the killer is too smart for them and continues the massacre. One day he attacks Mahek, but the police shows up and he jumps into the water and disappears. They find a body and soon everyone thing they're safe - so why not go to Thailand and hang out at an empty island to relax a little bit? Mahek and all the other main suspects heads there and soon the terror starts again!

Sssshhh... is set in something similar to high school with the same form of bonding scenes, intrigue, melodrama and love stories like Craven's Scream. The killer wears a weird joker-mask and a black hood, and loves to stab people with a huge knife. It feels very similar to the American counterparts and there was a moment or two I almost felt I was watching something from the US instead of a Bollywood drama - until around one hour into the film when the first big song and dance scene comes and everything suddenly becames more like it should be in an Indian film. 

While Sssshhh... lacks the excellent tension in the original Scream movies it still a well-made slasher/thriller with a pretty high body count and gory for being an Indian movie. There's splattering blood, at least one graphic throat slith and of course a lot of stabbings and some nice-looking squibs. Some would say that blood and gore isn't everything in a horror movie, but remember this is a slasher. And a slasher, especially really generic stuff like this, needs something graphic to entertain the bloodythirsty audience. That belongs to the genre and Sssshhh... was kind enough to give us some money shots.

It's also surprising how they've managed to make an almost three hour long movie based on a story that normally would last ninety minutes. It's not that complicated at all, and it didn't feel so drawn out either - I guess a good amount of kills every so and so minute helped a lot and overall a good atmosphere. 

If you enjoy mainstream slasher with some blood and gore, but with a Bollywood twist, this might be something for you. For you others... go watch some Fred Olen Ray or something else. 

The story of Bollywood Zack, the youngest CIA agent in the world!

Oddly enough, 've heard it it before. 

"Hey Fred, do you know I once starred in a Bollywood movie?"

This from people you least expect it from. The first one was Uffe, a researcher and journalist I worked with about a year ago. Nice fella. Maybe ten years ago I travelled to India, Bombay, and got picked up at a restaurant because they needed foreign extras. The drove him outside the city, got him into a suit and then he spent the whole day watching the team trying to get one long, uninterrupted take as perfect as possible. It was singing and dancing and the hero ended the song and dance routing with putting out a candle with his fingers. Uffe still don't know the title of this film. Do any of you?

Today we had lunch, me and my wonderful colleagues after working with a TV-show for five months. We've done great work and it feels quite empty now. Anyway, suddenly Zacke says the same thing I wrote above. But this time he had more clues: 

1. They shot it during the fall of 2008.
2. It was about the hunt of Bin Ladin.
3. The Title had something to do with water.

Zacke had tried to google it but came up with nothing. Now, four year later I got obsessed by finding out what the fuck this movie was. And I did it. After using google. I just thought that it probably wasn't produced THAT many Bollywood movies about Bin Ladin and/or terrorist during that time. And if it was produced at the end of 2008 it was probably released in 2009.

Tere Bin Laden was finally released in 2010 and became quite a hit. It's a comedy directed by Abhishek Sharma. Zacke and his friend was standing on a tourist street when some men came to them and asked if they wanted to be in a movie. Of course, why not! They drove there, got in their clothes - suits of course - and spent the whole night in the studio. Zacke ended up in a bigger part because they needed someone to sit by a computer and he even had a line of dialogue - and he flubbed it at the first take, causing the director to run to him, slightly upset. 

That's... Bollywood!

One of this friends, standing in the back in a hot suit over a smoke machine, tried the water from a nearby tap and got terrible sick. I can't imagine the surreal feeling going, within an hour, from being a normal tourist to the center of attention in a big Bollywood movie. But I guess few of us would say no. I mean, what an experience! 

Well, here's Zacke, 20 years old playing a tough 35 year old CIA agent! I envy him so much! Pay me so I could go down there and get a part like this!