Schmollywood Babylon

Women in Cellblock 9 (Jess Franco, 1978)

Have the traumatic experience with the gynaechological adventure of Doriana Gray I've stayed away from Uncle Jess. Not because I didn't like it, I thought it was fine movie, but because I was slightly tired of vaginas up close. The thing is that the Francos I haven't watched here at home now only seem to be sleaze, sex and maybe even porn - so imagine my worries while starting Women in Cellblock 9, the new blu-ray from Ascot Elite. I remember the HD images I saw the last time and I didn't want to experience them again. But I didn't have to worry, this is - compared to Doriana Gray - a Disney movie. Eh, yeah, almost. Except it includes rape, torture, murder and total nudity for most of the running time!

Somewhere in an anonymous South American country four women is captured by the military regime, or at least by two of the regime's executioners - one of them the evil, Evil, EVIL dr Costa (the always excellent Howard Vernon), an expert torturer working under an Ilsa-like female camp leader (sorry, don't can't identify the actress - please help me!). Of course they want the truth from these poor women and starts to torture them in the most hideous way, not counting the psychological terror and rapes! But our heroines plans their escape, and they're gonna use their bodies to get what they want!

I expected something more shitty, actually. To be honest. But I got a quite slick and entertaining piece of sleaze, Smart? No way, but stylish like hell. The only scene that seemed a bit forced in the first one, in the truck, where the dialogue obviously is an afterthought, added on all the clips where you don't see the one talking in frame! I actually don't think the truck driver wanted to be in the picture either, because the only time you see something of his face you can see his eye, looking stressed directly into the camera. Poor guy. But Franco did his best hiding the man anyway. 

Women in Cellblock 9 is a straight man's dream. There's nothing remotely arty with it, nothing personal. Except the end, which is surprisingly downbeat and bleak - which makes it rise above many of the similar movies made at the time. But except that it's just entertainment, trashy, evil entertainment. One detail I noticed was that the guards, which normally is some dudes picked from the streets without any thoughts, looks unusally "cute". I, with my vivid imagination, thinks maybe Howard Vernon had a hand in the casting here. The man was a famous flirter, a very charming man who probably wanted some good-looking men around him for once, to take away the pain with all the nude women! ;)

Far from Franco's best movie, but more entertaining and well-made than I thought it would be. The acting is also quite good - with the casual-looking Vernon leading the talents, but the girls aren't that bad either. As always the location looks like the park behind some hotel in Spain, but I wonder where it was shot? It feels I've seen that "jungle" many times in Franco's films. 

Ah, one thing I noticed. In the English dubbing they actually never see "cellblock", but instead "blockcell". What the hell? Is that even a correct word? :)

Give the blu-ray a shot, I think it's worth it!

Doriana Gray (Jess Franco, 1976)

This is probably the first time I’ve reviewed a porn movie on Ex-Ninja… and it’s not any blue movie, it’s one directed by my favorite filmmaker Jess Franco. Like many of Franco’s films there were different versions released for different markets, some with porn inserts, some with less or more violence, some with different actors and storylines. I don’t know what Franco thought about this, but I still think it reflects the notion that film is a living organism. It changes, transforms – for good and bad. What changes was made to Doriana Gray I don’t know, but it clearly feels like the porn – the graphic scenes of masturbation and sex – belongs in the story. Well, story. It’s not much of that, but still it has a lot of that magic only Franco could conjure with his special form of filmmaking.

Lina Romay is Doriana Gray (or Grey, according to some sources), a lonely aristocrat living alone together with her mute butler in a big mansion. She’s a recluse and very hard to get close to, but a journalist – played by a stiff Monica Swinn – manages to get inside and befriends the lonely woman. She has a sister, a twin sister, who lives in an asylum (under a certain Doctor Orloff…). The twin sister is a sexual predator, a nymphomaniac, who lives for sex and with sex. This somehow affects Doriana and the journalist gets more and more drawn into her world of possession and eroticism…

That was hard. But I think I’m kinda correct story wise. It really doesn’t matter, because Doriana Gray is more of poetic (or “pornetic”?) and very intimate showcase for Lina Romay. Lina never really makes a good performance, but she sure has charisma and especially under the eyes of her lover Jess. It really feels like it was shot with Franco and no one else. There’s some stunning footage of Lina just moving around the house, sensually and with the glimmering nightfall sun coming in from behind, and you get that feeling that there’s just them then and now, no one else. Doriana Gray has a lot of these beautiful moments, but I’m afraid they’re shattered by some of the ugliest porn I ever seen.

I mean, I’m happy I’m gay after seeing the stuff going on here. The truth be told, I feel for becoming totally asexual after watching hairy, flaccid dicks getting sucked on by women who clearly don’t want to be there. The big ejaculation scene is just… a failure, like the dick itself didn’t even care if it could jizz or not. Then there are the gynecological close-ups of Lina’s vagina – I promise you, I never seen anyone go sooooooo close to that thing in my whole life. And it’s not the slightest erotic either. Virtually all the sex is bad in this film, and I’m not sure it’s meant to be. I just think Franco stepped over that border that only he could appreciate and gave it as a gift to us innocent bystanders. Thanks Jess, you almost made me impotent.

But if we forget the porn and look at the rest, it’s a damn fine movie. Very Personal and intimate, the way only the Europeans could mix exploitation and arthouse during the seventies. It has beautiful locations, something of a trademark of the director, and in the end a classic Jess Franco production.

The only thing you need to do after watching it is to wash your eyeballs with soap and acid, to get the vagina-cam footage erased from your memory. It might hurt, but it’s worth it.